Lbs Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report. Dear Sir; I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went more...

A fellow was ordered by his Dr. to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed like hell" he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes, and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weightloss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does more...

TWO MEN SITTING BESIDE ONE ANOTHER IN A BAR. THE 1ST MAN IS AN AVERAGE SIZE GUY WEIGHINGABOUT 170 LBS. THE 2ND MAN IS A HUGE FAT GUY WEIGHING ABOUT375 LBS. THE 2ND GUY ASKS THE 1ST GUY. "WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN, DO YOU ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM?" THE 1ST GUY REPLIES, "IT DEPENDS ON THE WOMAN, HOW ABOUT YOU?" THE 2ND GUY REPLIES, "I ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM, NOMATTER WHO I'M WITH." OF COURSE YOU CAN'T HELP BUT TO HIT BOTTOM WHEN YOU "MASH IT FLAT".

This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining. The list of ingredients is as follows: 1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire. 6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable weight. 8 lbs. celery, finely chopped. 8 lbs. onions, finely chopped. 8 lbs. carrots, finely diced. 1 gallon vodka to numb the elves before you peel them and dice them. 32 lbs. dry bread crumbs. 3 gallons chicken stock. salt, pepper, to taste. Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire. 3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer. Saute' the onions, carrots, and celery ina large pan, using some olive oil, until tender.
Brown the diced elves in the same pan until lightly browned. Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season to taste with more...

A fellow was ordered by his Dr. to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM." Guaranteed like hell" he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes, and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weightloss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next more...