Letterman Jokes / Recent Jokes

The State of American political rhetoric:
"The plan is really a Doctor Kevorkian prescription for the jobs of American working men and women." Rep. Richard Armey, R-Texas, on the Clinton health care proposal.
At a congressional hearing Armey pledged to Hillary Clinton to make the health care debate exciting. Mrs. Clinton replied, "I'm sure you will do that, you and Doctor Kevorkian."
"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it's free." humorist P.J. O'Rourke.
"The people of the 5th district of Georgia did not send me here to sell them out for a mess of pottage (sic) and 30 (sic) pieces of silver." Democratic Rep. John Lewis, saying no to NAFTA.
Understatement of the year: "I spun myself out of control." Republican consultant Edward Rollins on his post-election statements about suppressing black voter turnout in the New Jersey governor's race.
"If we're going to prepare them for what goes on in more...

From David Letterman
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General
10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

Letterman's Top Ten List: Top Ten George W. Bush Complaints About "Fahrenheit 9/11":
10. That actor who played the President was totally unconvincing
9. It oversimplified the way I stole the election
8. Too many of them fancy college-boy words
7. If Michael Moore had waited a few months, he could have included the part where I get him deported
6. Didn't have one of them hilarious monkeys who smoke cigarettes and gives people the finger
5. Of all Michael Moore's accusations, only 97% are true
4. Not sure - - I passed out after a piece of popcorn lodged in my windpipe
3. Where the hell was Spider-man?
2. Couldn't hear most of the movie over Cheney's foul mouth
1. I thought this was supposed to be about dodgeball.

Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other. 9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast. 8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon. 7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English. 6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault. 5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil. 4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants. 3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos. 2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED. 1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
WARNING: May be offensive to American Politicians, White House interns, Amtrak, American sports stars, and supermodels.
Well folks, the rain is on hold for a few days, but... Legislators in Sacramento voted to change the state song from "I Love You California" to Paul Simon's "Slip Slidin' Away".
President Clinton says he approaches everything Saddam Hussein says with a great degree of skepticism. Pretty much the same way we approach everything Clinton says. (Letterman)
American forces in the Persian Gulf went back to full alert when Hussein announced he would honor his latest UN inspection agreement as faithfully as Clinton honored his wedding vows.
Newsweek magazine says Monica Lewensky's resume lists one of her duties at the White House as training the new interns. That's not surprising. If you were Bill Clinton, wouldn't YOU want her to train the new intern? more...

David Letterman Monologue on back to school, RNC, and Sarah Palin VP Candidate