Lincoln Jokes / Recent Jokes
Only chases cars with Illinois license plates
Wags his tail excitedly when there's a Lincoln Day sale at The Wiz
His face is covered with fur, except right under his nose
Two dogs in sunglasses and ear pieces follow him around
He's the only dog in neighborhood wearing stovepipe muzzle
Damned if he didn't build himself a log cabin doghouse
Your dog loves chicken (a little-known fact - Abraham Lincoln loved chicken)
You ask Miss Cleo whether your dog is possessed by Lincoln, she says, "Uh... yes"
Always honest about taking a leak on the rug
He hates the theater
Late Show with Letterman; 10/05/01
©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.
Transcript of the actual radio conversation of a us naval ship with Canadian autorities off the coast of Newfoundland:
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert your course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The Ghost Shit-
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper,
but
there's no shit in the bowl.
The Clean Shit-
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but
theres
no shit on the toilet paper.
The Wet Shit-
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end
up
putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
ruin
them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Wet Cheeks Shit-
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt
cheeks
get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
The Liquid Shit-
That's the sort where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your arse,
splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time
burning
your tender anus.
The Mexican Food Shit-
In a class of it's own.
The Marketing Shit-
A turd which is more...
What did Abe Lincoln say after a five day drunk?
"I freed who?"
This stretches the bounds of what might be called "humor" per se, but it
is certainly entertaining, in a chilling sort of way, so I thought I would
share it...
The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that it can not be considered coincidence.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Both were shot in the presence of their wives.
The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were more...
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.The Clean poo - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.The Wet Cheeks Poo- That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with more...