Locks Jokes / Recent Jokes

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock ever
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...behind him.
Walking faster he looks back and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing Quickly behind him...faster...faster. ..BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, Slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on the heals of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in Sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping Towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...but all he can find is a more...

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:
1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking more...