Locks Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP..... behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.... BUMP..... BUMP...... BUMP.....
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind. . faster.... faster.... BUMP.... BUMP..... BUMP.......
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with its lid clapping..... clappity-BUMP........ clappity-BUMP. ...... clappity-BUMP..... on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for more...
George Carlin's Reflections on Life:1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.11. One out of every three more...
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one!
I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!
George Carlin's Reflections on Life:
1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how more...
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there more...
a.. "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet." - Rodney Dangerfield
b.. "Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes." - Robert M. Hutchins
c.. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
d.. "If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." - Anonymous
e.. "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." - Elayne Boosler
f.. "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." -Rita Rudner
g.. "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " -Bruce Baum
h.. "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more more...