Lonely Jokes / Recent Jokes
The lonely executive had spent the whole evening at a cocktail party complaining to an attractive guest about his wife's constant visits to her mother. "She's away again tonight," said the man. "What would you do if you were in my place?"
"Well, honey," his companion cooed, "let's go over to your place and I'll show you."
A guy was stranded on a lonely island with only a pitbull and a pig for company. There was plenty of food and fresh water, so he was doing alright for a few months. But eventually the loneliness got to him, if you know what I mean.
The pig started to look more and more attractive - soft, pink skin, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy tried to make an advance towards the pig, the pitbull growled at him. Once he almost got bit. The guy was getting very frustrated.
One day a life raft washed ashore. In it was a beautiful unconscious woman. The guy carried her back to his hut and nursed her back to health. After a few days the woman regained her strength and said: "Thank you, thank you so much for saving my life! I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything you want!" The guy thought for a moment and said, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing forher would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'djust walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went pastthe adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past thepreening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils, and past the colorful fish.Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she waslooking for. She decided to go around the store again.On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottomof the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, heWINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn'tbelieve it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets ondisplay.Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darlingkittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils, and the darting fish. Nothing really, more...
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company.
So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry." The old lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince.
Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
Come on, guess...............
The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)
YESTERDAY
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
============================================
Songs to program by...
Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines more...
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "All generalizations are false." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once." "I love cats... they taste just like chicken""Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons." "Born Free.. . . . Taxed to Death""Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools""Happiness is a belt-fed weapon""The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides." "REHAB is for quitters""I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her more...