Lonely Jokes / Recent Jokes

1971. Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: "They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its nightlife, San Diego's sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi."
1966. Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown."
1976. Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: "It wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long."
1991. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't more...

Sports Quotes
1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1981 Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost more...

Moses is in the desert and he sees a
burning bush.He approaches and he hears
a voice."My name is Moses, what about you? "
he sad."I AM is My name, and I am the Lord
of your forefathers!";"Nice to meet you,
I am!";"Tell Me, Moses, don't you feel
lonely in this desert?""Oh, yeah, very lonely..."
"Don't you miss your jewish brothers?
"Oh, yeah, very much...""Don't you miss
your teachers?""Oh, yes, i miss them lot"
"Don't you miss bathing in the Nile?"
"Oh, yes, is very warm in here, I miss
that cold water...""Don't you miss your
mother, Moses?" Moses starts to cry, and
he whispers through his tears:"Very much"
"WHY DON'T YOU PAY HER A VISIT?" "Oh, I can't
the faraoh wants to kill me" "He will not,
I will be with you every step" "Are you sure?"
"Sure more...

Parties, presents, those Christmas crying jagsso much to do! That's why Modern Humorist wants to simplify your holidays with an advent calendar you don't have to wait to open. No tiny doors to release each day, no little stale chocolates: It's all the advent you want all at once. If you've already missed some days, get reading!
December 1
Shining star of the East (Here, Naos in the constellation Puppis. Naos is a blazing supergiant with no official Christian affiliation and may be admired by all religious peoples, as well as nonreligious peoples.)
December 2
A sweet child singing carols (It may appear the child is mouthing the word "bottom" but surely that is a misperception on your part.)
December 3
A sprig of mistletoe (Poisonous, class B; swelling possible.)
December 4
Albert Finney (Plays Scrooge when Michael Caine demands cut of back end.)
December 5
Scene of falling snowflakes (Flakes #4, 678, 090 and #35, 097, 977? more...