Manual Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual, and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to write the pseudocode, another to design the requisite peripherals, another three to code various sections of the main routine, another to sort out the memory conflicts, and Bill Gates to justify earning such swingeing fees...
Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take. ...
A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks more...
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Appearance: You are more...
In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________-_________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it more...
In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM1. Describe your problem:______________________________________________________2. Now, describe the problem accurately:______________________________________________________3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________-_________________________4. Problem Severity:A. Minor__B. Minor__C. Minor__D. Trivial__5. Nature of the problem:A. Locked Up__B. Frozen__C. Hung__D. Shot__6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__9. Have you made it worse? Yes__10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__11. Are you sure you've more...
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the more...
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it. 9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy. 8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. 7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics". 6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long. 5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. 4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"2. The only chip inside is a Dorito. 1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Describe your problem.
Now, describe the problem accurately.
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
Is your computer plugged in?
Is it turned on?
Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Have you made it worse?
Have you read the manual?
Are you sure you've read the manual?
Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
Do you think you understood it?
If' Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
If' nothing' then explain why you were logged in.
Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?