Manure Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?"

The boy replied, "I am making George Bush with this manure, Mister."

Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"

The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can`t make Bill Clinton."

"But why not?" asked the man.

The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn`t enough here to make Bill Clinton."

One of the elderly residents on the porch hollered, "Sonny,
what are you going to do with that manure?"
The farmer replied, I'm going to put it on my strawberries."
The old man said, "Well, Sonny, then you should eat here. Around
here, we put whipped cream on our strawberries!"

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says “No, please show me the next room”.
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, “I’ll choose this room”. Satan says O. K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, “Well, it could be worse”, when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says “O. K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads! ”

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.

After a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warn and happy the little sparrow began to sing.

Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleaned away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy, keep your mouth shut.

An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He says to the bartender, "Me want beer."

The bartender says, "Sure chief, coming right up.". He gets the Indian a tall draft beer and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws it into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has a shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "Me want beer."

The bartender says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for job as government employee: drink beer, shoot shit, then no show up for four days.

There was once a non-conforming sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, the weather soon turned so cold that he changed his mind and reluctantly decided to fly south after all.
In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth, landing in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed where he had fallen and crapped on the little sparrow. The little sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm, happy, and able to breathe, the little sparrow began to sing.
Just then, a large cat came by, heard the chirping and investigated the sound. Clearing away the manure, the cat found the little chirping sparrow and promptly ate him!
The moral of the story...
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you may just want to keep your mouth shut.

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the more...