Martha Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack
up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the
house by noon!"
Here's Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide for Rednecks!
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
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ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
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PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that more...
Here's Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide for Rednecks! 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.***DINING OUT1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.***PERSONAL HYGIENE1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can more...
Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds an old bottle washed ashore. When the President opens it and a Genie snakes out.
Genie: Hi Bill. I'm a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish-it had better be easy if you want me to do it.
Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that.
Genie: That's a little hard, give me something easier.
Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?
Genie: World peace it is.
How do you make martha stewart scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass and then wipe your dick on the curtains.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face. How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job. A man is incomplete until he is married. more...