Martha Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again more...

An old lawyer found out one day he had inoperable cancer. He was known as something of a miser, and he was determined to work until he drew his last breath. One day, a colleague came to office.

"You really shouldn't waste your last days working," he said. "After all, you know what they say:' You can't take it with you.'"

"The hell I can't," replied the old lawyer, who, right then and there, devised a plan by which he could take at least some of it with him. He went home that evening and told his wife, "Martha, I want you to go down to the bank and withdraw as much money as you can stuff into two large pillow cases. Then put them in the attic directly over the bed. That way, when I die, as my soul rises toward heaven, I can reach out and grab the money."

Martha did as she was told. A couple of weeks later, the lawyer died in his sleep. After the funeral, Martha was clearing some items out of the attic when she more...

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out,' John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?' A ghostly voice answered her,' Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.' Martha tearfully asked,' Oh John, what is it like where you are?'' It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.'' What do you do all day?' asked Martha.

'Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 more...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Martha!
Martha who?
Martha them up to the top of the hill and the marched them down again!

Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've more...

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the
one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after
their dying.
As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to
her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?"
"Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then it's nothing but
sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then we have sex again until five.
After dinner, more...

"Convicted felon Martha Stewart met with her probation officer yesterday. She even had to give a urine sample, in which she tested positive for nutmeg." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster -- mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can." -Jay Leno
"Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron." -Conan O'Brien
"Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress." -Craig Kilborn
"Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year." -Jay Leno
"Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. more...