Martha Jokes / Recent Jokes

You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes

SECRET more...

Cos even if you're a convicted felon you can still get your own TV show. Like Martha Stewart. I'm all about second chances but start slowly. Martha should've been forced to sell lemonade on the street corner for a few years and then work up to knitting pot warmers for friends on Manhattan Cable.

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
4. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then...pow!...it was.. all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhh my wife found out!
5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're more...

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.4. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then...pow!...it was.. all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhh my wife found out! 5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by more...

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did more...

Hi Erma,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to fill you in on what I've been up to. Since it snowed during the night, I got up early and made a sled out of old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that was just sitting around my craft room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast. I'll let you in on a little secret though - I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.
Prior to moving the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes to more...

Stanley and Martha, 94 and 86 respectively, are excited about their decision to get maried and decide to go for a stroll to discuss their wedding plans. On the way, they pass a drugstore and Stanley suggests they go in.
"Are you the owner?" Stanley asks the man behind the counter.
"Yes, I am," the pharmacist replies.
"Do you sell heart medication?" asks Stanley.
"Yes, sir, we sure do," the pharmacist says.
"How about medicine for circulation?" inquires Stanley.
"Many different kinds," replies the pharmacist.
"What about medicine for rheumatism?" Stanley asks.
"Absolutely," answers the pharmacist.
"How about Viagra?" asks Stanley.
"Most definitely," the pharmacist answers.
"Medicine for memory?" Stanley inquires.
"Yes, sir, we have a large variety," replies the pharmacist.
"What about vitamins and sleeping more...