Maryland Jokes / Recent Jokes

ALABAMA:
Literacy Ain't Everything

ARKANSAS:
Exporters of Everything But Honesty

CALIFORNIA:
Se Habla Ingles

FLORIDA:
The Gunshine State

GEORGIA:
The Culture State: Jews and Negroes Allowed Since 1993

INDIANA:
Home of Dan Quayle

KANSAS:
Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole

KENTUCKY:
Tobacco is a Vegetable

LOUISIANA:
I Drink, Therefore I Am

MARYLAND:
We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It!

MINNESOTA:
Land of 10,000 Lakes and a Lot of Really WHITE People

MISSOURI:
We're kinda to the west of Indiana and east of Kansas... and oh yeah we're right near Iowa!

MONTANA:
Only a few of us are nutbar freaks who build bombs and put them in the mail.

NEW JERSEY:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

NEW YORK:
People say we're ambivalent and more...

(Washington DC): A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check - a forged check. He got 10 years.
(Virginia): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head - and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
(Maryland): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole - are you ready for this? - the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
(Washington, DC): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he more...

Artists. .................... Painted Desert, Arizona
Athletes. ................... Olympia Heights, Florida
Candy Makers. ............... Carmel, Indiana
College Professors. ......... University City, Missouri
Ecologists. ................. Green Bay Wisconsin
Firefighters. ............... Smokey Mountains
Fortune tellers. ............ Palm Springs, California
Geologists................... Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists. .......... Grapevine, Texas
Helicopter Pilots. .......... Hoover, Alabama
Home Builders. .............. New Castle, Pennsylvania
Jewelers. ................... Pearl City, Hawaii
Landscapers. ................ Garden City, Michigan
Lawyers. .................... Accident, Maryland
Loan Officers................ Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks................. Thousand Oaks, California
Manicurists. ................ Finger Lakes, New York
Optometrists. ............... Plainview, more...

The US Army is currently in the midst of a sexual harassment scandal. It started at a small base in Aberdeen, Maryland. These are some things you might either see in the news, or hear about:
As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to an obscure base in Utah. The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment." The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will be be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"
Then there was the newly promoted Army Captain who promptly had his female Quartermaster on the carpet because she forgot to include a sofa in his office.
"I'm telling you Jody, I've never been happier" said the one recruit to the other. I have two Drill Sergeants madly in love with me. One is just more...

The Johns Hopkins Transplant Center in Baltimore performed the world's first quintuple kidney transplant today. When asked the reason behind doing five transplants at the same time, one of the doctors explained, "We could have done them seperately with significantly less risk, but its a short week. The only thing I'm carving up on Thanksgiving is a turkey!"

Several businesses in England have banned the British flag for fear of violent Muslim reactions, after an extremist group leveled warnings that the flag's red cross reminds Muslims of the Crusades. This is slightly more insane than my refusal to use the microwave because ovens remind me of the Holocaust.
Meanwhile, the Baltimore County Muslim Council is demanding that public schools remove Jewish holidays from the school calendar unless they're ready to give days off for Muslim holy days as well. It's a predictable development, of course. Soon enough, Holocaust education at schools will change too, taking into account Muslim sensitivities. After all, Hitler may seem like a villain to little Shlomo, but little Qudsia may see things differently.

A Columbia Maryland Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the Turf Valley Country Club at ten o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.
He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long? You're over two hours late."
"Hey! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."