Master Jokes / Recent Jokes
45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I’m afraid she’ll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master’s nice comfy “chair”.
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is more...
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Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.
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Customer: Waiter is this a lamb chops or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter?
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Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a more...
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed
of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress
the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen,' sir',
it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the
number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to ahot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, whopays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Wheres mychange?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
A master thief in london was giving a coaching class on stealing and had students from all over the world. The indian happened to be a sardar. After several grueling classes on theory came the final and decisive class of all, a practical demo. The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and entered that. But by mistake he overturns a vase. Owner: who's that? Master: miaooow... The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished. The sardar is very impressed. Returning to punjab, he decides to open a similar class for his fellow sardars. Does so and follows the same schedule of theory classes. Then he goes for the demo with his pupils. Enters the house of a rich sardar in darkness, and tells the other sardars, " these are the various steps for stealing. You just observe. " firstly, he goes and overturns a vase. Owner: koun hai? ( who's that? ) Sardar: mai billi. ( i am the cat.) Owner: , billi (. Cat.) And goes back to sleep.
To escape the scorching heat of the plains, the big guns of the government during British rule used to move up to Shimla for almost five months, from mid May to mid-October. The Viceroy and his large retinue always travelled by a special train which left Delhi at night and reached Kalka early next morning. Tight security was maintained all along the line and every station master was required to send a telegraphic message to Delhi as soon as the train passed his station. Of particular importance was the railway bridge over river Ghaggar near old Chandigarh (now called Chandi Mandir) where the train usually arrived at about 4 a. m. The old station master there used to spend a sleepless night from tension. There is a story that once in typical railway English, he sent the following telegram after the safe crossing of the train over the bridge: "His Excellency passed away peacefully."