Master Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Master Thief in London was giving a Coaching Class on Stealing and had students from all over the world. The Indian happened to be a Sardar. After several grueling classes on Theory came the final and decisive class of all, a practical demo. The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and entered that. But by mistake he overturns a vase. Owner: Who's that? Master: Miaooow... The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished. The Sardar is very impressed. Returning to Punjab, he decides to open a similar class for his fellow Sardars. Does so and follows the same schedule of theory classes. Then he goes for the demo with his pupils. Enters the house of a rich Sardar in darkness, and tells the other Sardars, " These are the various steps for stealing. You just observe. " Firstly, he goes and overturns a vase. Owner: Koun Hai? ( Who's that? ) Sardar: Mai Billi. ( I am the cat.) Owner: Oh, Billi ( Oh. Cat.) and goes back to sleep.

IT'S A WONDERFUL MACHINE
The Sweetest Christmas Movie Frank Capra Never Made
-- by David Pogue

I guess I shouldn't have gone to a party where the eggnog was spiked, and maybe I shouldn't have watched the movie It's a Wonderful Life while leafing through MacWeek. But anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night -- like a bizarre black-and-white movie that went like this: Jimmy Stewart stars as Steve' Jobs' Bailey, who runs a beleaguered but beloved small-town computer company. For years, big monopolist Bill' Gates' Potter has been wielding his power and money to gain control of the town. And for years, Steve has fought for survival:' This town needs my measly, one-horse computer, if only to have something for people to use instead of Windows!'

But now an angry mob is banging on Apple's front door, panicking.' The press says your company is doomed!' yells one man.' You killed the clones! We're going to Windows!' calls another.' We want out of our more...

This guy is walking along the beach, and finds a magic lamp.
He picks it up, and rubs it, and out comes a genie and says, "Master, your wish is my command - I will grant you one wish".
Being both healthy & wealthy, he says,"I wish for world peace".
The genie says,"Where is there no peace - show me on a map" ???
The man takes out a map, and points to the middle east.
The genie shakes his head, and says, "Master, there has not been peace in that part of the world for thousands of years - I cannot do anything about it - Do you have another wish ???
The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I would like to understand how women think".
The genie says, "Give me that map again".

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master’s ball in a place where I know he couldn’t possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master’s necklace as her “collar. ”
21. I will not cut my master’s nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like “going to work”.
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master’s desires are always paramount. My master’s wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no more...

The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks and he
overheard one terrified recruit whisper, "Master Chief Barnes
has the heart of a tiny child. . . on his desk. . . in a jar."
Without missing a beat, Master Chief Barnes snarled,
"Goddamned if they don't find out EVERY little thing about
you!"

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid’s entire piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating “chew toys” from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel more...

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he’d dreamed of working since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, “Listen, ’sir’, it’s real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn’t come out even, don’t open the hatch. ”