Masturbation Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: Why is masturbation better than having sex with a man?
You know who you're dealing with.
You don't have to wait till it's hard again.
You know when you've had enough.
And you don't have to lie about how good it was.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.

An attractive high school teacher is telling her class that there will be no make-up if anyone misses tomorrow's exam. One of the male students smirks and says, "What if I have a sex-related accident?" All of the students laugh.

The teacher looks at him and says dryly, "Well then I guess you'll have to write with your other hand."

Q. Lovers celebrate Valentine's Day -- what do masturbators celebrate?
A. Palm Sunday.
Q. What two people were shot in a theater?
A. Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.
Q. What is the most sensative part of the body during masturbation?
A. Your ears -- to listen for footsteps.
Q. What is the definition of a tough competitor?
A. In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.
Q. What is the difference between pink and purple?
A. Your grip!
Q. What's the difference between "hard" and "light"?
A. You can get to sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is masturbation better than sex?
A. Because you can see what you are doing.
And one for you golfers out there:

Q. What does a three-putt and masturbation have in common?
A. You're ashamed, but you know you'll do it again!

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "Did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count.

7. An old flame, doesn't count.

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck".

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation.

11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not more...

: The following is taken word-for-word from a Mormon pamphlet,' For Young Men Only', published a number years ago.

The Mormon's Guide to Avoiding Masturbation:

1. Pray daily. Ask for the gifts of the spirit which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are strongest. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell' STOP' to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.

2. Set a goal of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a week, a month and year. Finally, commit yourself to never doing it again. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you but show it to no one. If you masturbate, colour that day black. Your goal will be to have no black days.

3. Set up a reward system. Each time you reach a goal reward yourself with a quarter.

4. When on the toilet or showering, leave the door partly more...

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about' the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
-- First Base-- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was more...