Matches Jokes

Maybe it’s me, but hasn’t California been on fire for the last 10 years. Shouldn’t they have been burned down by now? I think we should penalize them for screwing up the ozone layer. Its ironic California is probably the most conservative State when it comes to protecting the environment and nature, but give them matches to play with and look out; they are like kids at a Bon Fire. California even has an on-line photo club called "California Fire Photographers Association." I propose we take away all matches from California and if they need to light one make it mandatory that someone from the East Coast be there to supervise.

A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to
> economise in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she
> spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette
> with it and put it in his pocket.
>
> She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your
> trousers.
>
> He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to
> discussing such things with ladies.
>
> She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you
> jerk it up and down?
>
> He: Oh, sometimes...
>
> She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub
> yours up and down until something comes?
>
> He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.
>
> She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?
>
> He: No, most certainly not!
>
> She: Oh. You should, it more...

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!

Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!

What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!

Where do footballers dance?
At a football!

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out. They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would. About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches more...

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!
What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!