Matching Jokes

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is permitted to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So, the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case ye want anything else made of it."
So, the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, more...

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
"WHAT!?" says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn't care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don't even play more...

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month".

The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "My son, who is "Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's and stop your sinning."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly, a gorgeous, tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest.

Her dress is green and very short, with more...

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week`s stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I`ll get it for you.""Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left.The doctor didn`t hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire."Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn`t have swimming pools, and I didn`t think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they`re all ready for you now!"

1) There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
2) Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
3) They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not..
4) Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
5) June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
6) Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
7) The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped-up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
8) Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
9) Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
10) There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
11) Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at more...