Maude Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two elderly widows were sitting on a park bench watching the people go by.
"You know, Rose," Maude said, "I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they seem to talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here, 'mutual orgasm' there. Tell me, when Fred was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Rose pondered the question for a few minutes, shook her head and replied, "No, Maude, I'm sure we had State Farm."

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a BRISTOL."
The pharmacist fainted.

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife,"Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones." "Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies." But I want you to, Maude." "But why?" Maude asks." Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!"

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

Maude and Clarence, an elderly couple, were in the kitchen having lunch when Clarence asked, "Maude, whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long, thoughtful silence, Maude replied, "You know, Clarence, I'm not sure. I don't even think we received a Christmas card from them last year."