Measurement Jokes

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to the flagpole. However, the measurement job turned out to be much more difficult than any of them had expected, with some of them falling off the ladders, some dropping their tape measures and so on, and the whole thing had just turned into a big disaster.
After a while, an engineer happened to walk by and saw what the managers were attempting to do. She walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, and laid it flat on the ground. She measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and then walked away without saying a word.
After the engineer was out of sight, one manager turned to another and laughed as he shook his head. "Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"

English tourists driving through New Zealand countryside when they spot 4 maori falla's struggling with a huge pole against the woolshed.
Curious they stop, watch and take photo's. Finally one of the tourist's curiosity gets the better of him, so he walks over to them and asks what are they trying to do.
Maori falla " wadaya mean! what are we doing?"
Pommy falla " I mean sir! why are you trying to lean that pole against this barn?"
Maori falla " So we can measure it eh!?"
Pommy falla somewhat bemused "Err!! pardon me for saying sir! but why couldnt you measure it the pole that is, while it was laying on the ground?"
Maori falla just as bemused at the question. "man you poms think you know everything eh!!! its because we want to measure the height not the length! Ok!?"

Upon a mandate from Congress that it was entirely too top-heavy with brass, The Pentagon posted an early retirement bonus. Any general to retire immediately would be guaranteed his full annual benefits-plus $300, 000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body that the general chose.

The first general to accept instructed the pension man to measure from the top of his bald spot to the tips of his toes: 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $21. 6 million.

The second general dictated a measurement from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes: 8 feet, 2 inches. His check came to $29. 4 million.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When asked where to measure, without hesitation the third general told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." The pension man told the general his order would be followed, saluted-and deferred to the medical officer for the more...