Member Jokes / Recent Jokes

A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth". So he decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty pleased with the results.
However, his wife was considerably less enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to church and said, "Merle, if you're gonna preach about surf boarding, I'm not gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed."
The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex - what was and was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit to his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was right if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon.
A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a magnificent sermon that more...

Supplemental Rules For Bowling: 1. If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs". 2. When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance. 3. After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames. 4. When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule. 5. After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair". 6. If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps more...

One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
office one day. The President looks up and says, "Brother, what is so
important that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
The Council member finally regains his breath, and says, "The Savior is
in the lobby!"
The President immediate starts for the door, saying, "It has come! The
prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
The Council member says, "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's
black, and SHE IS PISSED!"

The golf club secretary was very apologetic, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but we have no time open on the course today."
"Wait just a minute," the member argued, "If I told you that Prince Andrew and a friend wanted a game, would you find a starting time for them?"
"Most definitely," she answered.
"Well, since I happen to know that the Prince is in Scotland at the moment, we'll just take his time," said the member.

There was a young man who went to the doctor and said that he wanted to get married, but he was worried about the small size of his member. The doctor advised him to go and stay on a farm, dip his member in milk several times a day, and have it sucked by a calf.
Some months later when they met in the street, the doctor asked, "How is your marriage?"
The young man replied, "Oh, I didn't get married, Doc. I bought the calf instead."

A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses.
"We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said. In an interview published in "The Nation", "The airline has been hiring too many college-educated women", he said, adding, "Intelligent women tend not to be good looking."

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her more...