Middle Jokes / Recent Jokes

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother, pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed more...

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing more...

Heard this from a D.J.:
A guy walks into a bar. He sees an attractive person of the opposite
gender and walks up to her. He said, "Hey, can I buy you a drink?"
The gal stands up walks to the middle of the room and shouts, "WHAT
DO YOU THINK I AM, A PROSTITUTE?" She storms out of the bar, and the
guy, face completely red, orders a beer and sat in a dark corner. A
few minutes later, the girl returns and came up to the guy. She says,
"I'm sorry about that. I'm psychology major and I was just testing to
see your reaction to what I just said."
Then the guy stands up and walks to the middle of the bar and shouts, "FIFTY DOLLARS?" :-)

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.' In fact,' he pointed out,' some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,' Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked more...

Hillary wakes bill in the middle of the night.
Bill: "What's the matter?"
Hillary: "I'm thirsty and I would like a glass of water."
Bill: "Do you seriously think I'm going to get it for you??"
Hillary: "Of course not. I just want you to keep my place empty until I'm back."

' WORDS OF WISDOM AT THE HALF CENTURY MARK'
From the book,' Dave Barry Turns 50'

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe' Daylight Saving Time'.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a more...

This is part of a humerous ditty that was popular when I was a lad, before the Earth cooled.
One dark day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys began to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
If you don't believe this story is true;
ask the blind man; he saw it, too.
He lives on the corner in the middle of the block
in a two-story house on a vacant lot.
An empty truck loaded with bricks
ran over our dead cat and killed it.