Modern Jokes / Recent Jokes

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e."I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 more...

15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11> Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10> After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9> After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.
6> No warm blood for miles around DC.
5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."
2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the more...

Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas. . . . . . there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, “If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it? ”"Not I, ” said the cow. ”Not I, ” said the duck. ”Not I, ” said the pig. ”Not I, ” said the goose. ”Then I will do it by myself, ” said the little red hen. And so she did; The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. “Who will help me reap my wheat? ” asked the little red hen.
”Not I, ” said the duck. ”Out of my classification, ” said the pig. ”I’d lose my seniority, ” said the cow. ”I’d lose my unemployment compensation, ” said the goose. ”Then I will do it by myself, ” said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. “Who will help me bake the bread? ” asked the little red hen. ”That would more...

How do you spot a modern spider? He doesn't have a web he had a website!

How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.

Ahmed was showing a foreign vistor around his country and bemoaning the lack of gratitude his countrymen showed him for his considerable achievements.
"Look here" says Ahmed to the foreigner "at this vast and modern ship building yard", and the yards were indeed vast and modern.
"I built this myself. I own it. But do they call me 'Ahmed the ship builder'? No! They don't!"
"And look here" says Ahmed to the foreigner "at the modern and efficient road system we travelled on today", and the road system was indeed modern and efficient.
"I own the company that built these roads. But do they call me 'Ahmed the road builder'? No! They don't!"
"And look over there" says Ahmed to the foreigner "at that towering city on the horizon", and the city was indeed towering.
"I own two thirds of those buildings. I built that city. But do they call me 'Ahmed the city builder'? No! They don't call more...

SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTERDearest Samantha, I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice more...