Moses Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air.
For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather, this caused a shudder among the waiting mass.
The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his load and raised his hands.
"Friends," he said. "Friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of—and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from 15 to 10. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."

Intelligence Test Instructions:Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time? Start.1) Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get? ____________________5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would more...

"I have sinned," said Adam originally.
"Have an apple," the serpent said fruitfully.
"Come here, Abel," Cain said brotherly.
"You snails almost didn't make it," Noah said wetly.
"No spika de Inglish," they babbled at Babel confusedly.
"Nonsense, I'll look behind me all I please," replied Lot's wife saltily.
"Here's your pottage," Jacob said hairily.
"My thigh is out of joint," Jacob said angelically.
"I was the sun and you were the stars," Joseph said dreamily.
"Hey, Fellas, look at my new coat," Joseph said colorfully.
"I feel like traveling on, Madame Potiphar," Joseph said coatlessly.
"Now we can open grain storage area #1," Joseph said leanly.
"See how the reeds made him in just certain spots," Pharaoh's daughter said mosaically.
"Tomorrow, we'll cross the Red Sea," Moses said more...

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible: The first book of the Bible is Guinessis. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid... wait... I still do!)The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton... Monica who?)Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What... they launch their Depends at' em?)The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N. J.)Solomon had 300 more...

And let's not forget Moses, who at the parting of the Red Sea said;
"What's all this? I was only going in for a little dip!"

there was a boy who came to his dad and said.
boy;dad you know im doing to celebrate my 25th birth day.
dad;yes my son what is that you want?
boy;i want you to buy me a new car.
dad;me and your mom have been thinking about it for long, i will buy you the car, but with condition.
boy;what is it dad?
dad;i wont you to studie hard like others, i want you to read your bible always and i want you to cut down your hair.
boy;that is cool dad.(about three weeks latter the boy came back to his dad)
dad;haha, son your mom told me that you are now doing good in anyway, but still you didnot cut down your hair, why?
boy;the bible says that both jesus and moses have long hair, if long hair is good for them then i think long hair is good for me too.
dad;hahaha, you didnot read your bible well, why coz if you read your bible well you should have known that both moses and jesus walk to where ever they want to.

Moses and Jesus are part of a threesome playing golf one day...
Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the fairway, but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chips the ball right up onto the green.
Then the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water more...