Nancy Jokes / Recent Jokes
My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model.
She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair.
Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission Impossible."
Little Nancy was in the backyard filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the girl was up to he asks, "What are you up to there Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your f****g cat!"
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole, when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced little youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, and I've just buried him here."
The neighbor was sad for the little tyke, but was puzzled by one thing.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy. ''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours. Instead, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He almost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours. Instead she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realised I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
From today's USA Today: Top 10 things that Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't want to hear from her Olympic roommate, Tonya Harding:
No, I insist, you go first.
Your cocoa is the one on the left, and honest, it's suppose to be that color.
Well, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess the tub is kind of slippery.
I know, let's pretend you're a pinata.
I'll design the kneepad, you endorse it. We'll make a foutune!
Do you have any idea how Katarina feels about prractical jokes?
Oh. I guess those don't go in the microwave.
OK, so I've watched the shower scene from Psycho nine straight times. What's your point?
Someone named Knuckles? For me?
Enough, already. It was only a knee!