Navy Jokes / Recent Jokes

The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young naval student. “What steps would you
take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?”“I'd throw out an anchor, sir.”“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”“I'd throw out another anchor, sir.”“But what if a third storm sprang up forward?”“I'd throw out another anchor, captain.”“Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?”“From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir.”

In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna, Spain, for a week's shore leave. (Well, leave for the crew, not the cruiser.) The first evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:
Dear Captain,
On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers.
They should arrive at 8 p.m. - One last point: no Jews - we don't like Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, wealthy, single, BLACK officers.
Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out "There must be some mistake".
"Madam", said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."

This is the actual radio conversation of a US navy ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three
Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you
change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, thats one-five degrees
north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.
Canadians: This is a more...

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks:

"So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, General. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."

"Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says:

"Private Cooper! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you fucking crazy? It'd kill me, you asshole! I'm out of here!"

As private Cooper ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: "You see? You have to be pretty damn brave to talk like that to more...

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: "I have missed you so much and I cant wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do "it" as soon as I step ashore."The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply: "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I. D. cards."

Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.