Nervous Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned more...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock more...

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out more...

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, more...

A friend of mine in Florida is getting married in June, and it seems like he's already getting a bit nervous about it.

The anxious bride-groom sent out announcements in February, carefully addressing all of the announcements by hand. Within a few days, he was surprised to see them all show up in *his* mailbox.

It seems the poor nervous guy had addressed every invitation with his own address... and put the recipient's name and address where the return address should go.

A virgin white girl gets married to a black guy and she's rather nervous about the wedding night as she's heard that black men are better endowed than white men.
She explains this to her husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his dick, bit by bit.
The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick come round the door.
"Are you nervous yet?" says her husband.
"No, I"m OK" she replies.
Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says "Are you still OK?"
"Yes" she replies.
A further foot comes around the door and she says "I"m still not nervous".
"OK," her husband replies, "I"m coming up the stairs"

A virgin girl gets married to a guy who's supposed to rather well endowed. She explains this to her new husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his dick, bit by bit. The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick come round the door. "Are you nervous yet?" says her husband. "No, I'm OK." she replies. Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he asks, "Are you still OK?" "Yes" she replies. A further foot comes around the door and she says, "I'm still not nervous." "OK," her husband replies, "I'm just starting up the stairs."