Nervous Jokes / Recent Jokes
"I`ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won`t you?
"All I can say madam," said the pilot, "is that I`ve never left anyone up there yet!"
A Man Goes To The Doctor For Surgery. The Man Says To The Doctor "I Am Very Nervous Doctor Because It Is The First Time That I Am Going To Have Surgery"
So The Doctor Replies: "I Understand You Perfectly I Am Nervous Too Since It Is The First Time That I Am Going To Perform Surgery.
After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie.
She said I love you but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.
That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie."What's wrong, are you well," she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.
"I thought that it would be pleasant to be with you," I responded. "Just the two of us."
She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I would like that very much."
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to more...
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."
During his first mass, a new priest was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I'm concerned about being nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I begin to get nervous, I take a sip."
The following Sunday, the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found a note on his door:
Sip the vodka. Don't gulp it.
There are 10 Commandments, not 12
There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his more...
A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J. C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David more...