Notes Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following is a list with actual notes from parents (including spelling) to school offices:
*My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Anne for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*Dear school: Please ekscuse Joe being ansent on Jan. 28, 29, 39, 31, 32, and 33.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
*Sally win't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
*Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Once upon a time, a few years before all those nasty divorces, Her Royal Majesty, the Queen of England and Lady Di were out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leaped out of the bushes and stopped the car.
'Give us the money' they shouted at the Queen.
'But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money, thus I never carry any.'
'Oh, blimey', said the leader of the armed band, and turned to Lady Di.
'Give us yer jewels.'
'But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions.'
The armed robbers looked fed up when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching.' Quick, out of the car. We'll have the Range Rover at least', and with that the robbers drove off.
As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen, and asks:' So, what did you do to all the cash you had? You're always loaded.'
'Ah,' said the more...
Laundry Notes A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. So the next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "USE MORE PAPER ON REAR END!!!"
If you have a lot of chops and use them. . you play too many notes
If you don't have a lot of chops. . you don't play enough notes
If you're a high energy player. . you don't play with enough feeling
If you play with lots of feeling you're too sappy
If you like a fat round sound.. your sound is too fat
If you thin out your sound.. you're sound is too thin
If you play a lot of chordal solo's.. why does he play so many chords?
If you chord work is sparce.. he doesn't play enough chords.
If you use heavy strings.. why does he use such heavy strings?
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open more...
____________________UniversityTo: Professor____________________ From: __________________I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should bechanged from ______ to _______ for the following reasons: ______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did. ______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did. ______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into: ______ Law School______Medical School ______Graduate School______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in_______________. ______5. I'll lose my scholarship. ______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam. ______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam. ______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact. ______9. I more...