Nothin Jokes / Recent Jokes

Areas of Effectiveness: I am very Effective at sittin' on my ass and directin'a dumbass at gettin'work done that I don't wanna do. I can drink beer with the best beer drinkers And if I have a few to many I can find the best places to sleep it off. I am very good at bitchin' when things don't go my way or I don't feel like doin' nothin'.
Seminars/coarsework:I have taken classes on how to get rich without doin'nothin' but quit cause it took to much work and I got a headache.
Licenses: Yep...I got one...whoopee
Objectives: to get a job with a company that don't make me work to hard and pays me alot of money so I can buy more beer.
Education: Been to the school of hard Knocks and learned not to take any s#it off of anybody.
Awards Received: I got an award from the Navy it is called a bad conduct discharge award.
Interests and Activities: I like drinking beer and chasin' women.
Languages: I speak english perty good.
Work Experience: I can do pert more...

1. I be God. Don' be dissin me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play dat.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama...an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.

Three old blokes were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old. "You always feel like you have to piss. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all bloody day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble pissing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I have a piss every morning at 6: 00. I piss like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"Hell no! I crap every morning at 6: 30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You piss every morning at 6: 00 and crap every morning more...

Maw is outside hanging up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says, "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well your gonna have to if you're gonna fix the problem!"
So Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and then hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the wood cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

Now look at them yo-yos, that's the way you do it
You write the code that runs the WebTV
That ain't working, that's the way you do it
Get yer home page for nothin' and your hits for free.
Now that ain't workin', that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya, them guys can code
Maybe get some backing' fore they even have a product
Maybe in a month they'll IPO.
We got to install Netscape Web Servers
Custom config delivery
We got to install all of these browsers
They got to all speak HTTP.
See that little doofus with the glasses and the cowlick?
Yeah buddy, that's his own code
That little doofus got a billion options
That little doofus he just IPO'd
We got to install Netscape Web Servers
Custom config delivery
We got to install all of this fiber
We gonna need a big ol' T3
I shoulda learned to code in Java
I shoulda learned some CGI
Look at that web page, they got it dancing right across more...

Three women escape from prison. One is a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde.

They run for miles until they come upon an old barn.' I know!' says the redhead,' Let's hide in the hayloft and rest!'

When they climb up, they find three large gunnysacks.' I know!' says the brunette,' Let's climb into them for camouflage!'

About an hour later, the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The deputy goes up to check out the hayloft.

'What you got up there?' asks the sheriff.

'Nothin' but three gunnysacks,' says the deputy.

'Well, kick' em an' see what's in' em,' drawls the sheriff.

So the deputy kicks the sack with the redhead in it. She goes,' Bow-wow!' And the deputy calls down,' Nothin' but a dawg in this'n, Sheriff.'

Then he kicks the sack with the brunette in it. She goes,' Meow!' And the deputy calls down,' Nothin' in here but a old kitty-cat, Sheriff.'

Then he kicks the sack more...

1. I be God. Don' be dissin me. 2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib. 3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play dat.4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee. 5. Don' dis ya mama...an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither. 6. Don' ice ya bros. 7. Stick to ya own woman. 8. Don' be liftin no goods. 9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies. 10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.