Nurse Jokes / Recent Jokes

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse's lounge saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one daycomplaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incrediblydumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her togive a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her togive a patient an enema every 24 hours. She triedto give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearlyexploded!"Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream fromdown the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prickMr. Smith's boil!"

A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?" The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey." One of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she healthwise?"

One day the nurse who was working in the mental hospital walked towards the pool side in the hospital where our hero John was admitted. Unfortunately she dived in to the pool, her bad luck, john saw that as he jumped in to the pool and saved her.
Then the doctors decided to discharge him from the hospital, once a servant came to john and told him that doctors are calling him. When he visited the doctors, they told him that, now he is in good condition and he is sensible now, so he can leave the hospital, but conveyed the bad news that the nurse he saved hung herself in the toilet and she died.
Then john told the doctors that she didn't hung herself, but he hung her there to dry.

A pregnant woman fell into a coma while delivering healthy twins. She woke up in the hospital and asked, "Where are my babies?"
The nurse answered, "They're staying with your brother. He even named them for you."
The mother asked, "Well, what are their names?"
The nurse replied, "Your little girl is named Denise."
The mother said, "Oh, that's a lovely name. What did he name the little boy?"
The nurse answered, "Denephew."

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.
Doctor:' 'I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.''
St. Peter:' 'That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?''
Nurse:' 'I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.''
St. Peter:' 'Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?''
Health Maintenance Organizaton Director:' 'I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.''
St. Peter:' 'Oh, I see. Please go in... but you can only stay two nights!''