Nursing Jokes / Recent Jokes

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"

The Top Signs You`re In A Bad Nursing Home

Its named Heaven`s Waiting Room.

Cheap TV antenna can`t pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.

Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.

Its named Matlock Manor.

No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.

Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.

You can`t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney`s office down the hall.

Rectal thermometers made of wood.

Two words: Community Bedpan.
&

The Top Signs You`re In A Bad Nursing Home
& & 1. Its named Heaven`s Waiting Room.
& & 2. Cheap TV antenna can`t pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
& & 3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.
& & 4. Its named Matlock Manor.
& & 5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
& & 6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
& & 7. You can`t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney`s office down the hall.
& & 8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.
& & 9. Two words: Community Bedpan.

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day and trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast room looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew that Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way. The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although somewhat startled -- she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants. Mr. Jones replied simply, "Today is the viewing."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's
the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started
to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over
her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady Two asked, "What's that?"
Lady One replied, "A condom."
Lady Two asked, "Where'd you get it?"
Lady One replied, "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady Two hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The
guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s),
but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into thenurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to playalong with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing homewith his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said,"Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died"."It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00,there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and senior discount of $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, more...