Nursing Jokes / Recent Jokes

To: All university hospital nursing staff.
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures.
Date: May 21,1997.
Effective August 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each
Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In
addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided
for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of
monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance
duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and
security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with
Subway, KFC, Dominos, etc. before more...

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.' 'So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?'' They ask.

''It's pretty nice,'' she replies.' 'Except they won't let you fart''

In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The nun says, "Gladys, you know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room. Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells "Super Pussy!" The man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think I'll have the soup."

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks.

1. Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.3. Needles: It's better to give than to receive.4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops eventually.5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.6. Interesting aromas.7. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.8. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.9. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends, at work.10. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them."What did you used to do back on Earth?" he asked the first nurse. "Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?"She told him, "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children.""Very noble. You may enter." And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse."I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God's love." The second nurse replied."Excellent!" said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse.
She hesitated, then explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, more...

The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home

Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.

Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.

Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.

Its named Matlock Manor.

No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.

Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.

You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.

Rectal thermometers made of wood.

Two words: Community Bedpan.