Officials Jokes / Recent Jokes
Overused plot lines:
Post-cataclysmic rag-tag armies struggle to kick the Rooskies out of the good ol' US of A.
Post-cataclysmic rag-tag armies struggle to survive against gangs of bandits, mutants, cyberpunks, bikers, etc.
The rag-tag rebel army/fleet struggles valiantly to overthrow the Evil Empire.
The Good Guys travel through time to stop a historical Bad Guy, usually Hitler.
The Bad Guy travels through time to kill the Hero in his childhood, or prevent him from ever being born.
The Chronocops travel in time to catch a Bad Guy who escaped into some other era.
Scientists work feverishly to develop a cure for the Supervirus or a weapon to stop the Invincible Bad Guys.
An alien:
Is stranded on earth;
Befriends a human child or falls in love with an earth gal;
Is pursued by shadowy malevolent Pentagon officials under the pretense of national more...
OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
"We`ll do it better," Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U. S. or California soil in U. S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly more...
The old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the government officials who had arrived to interview him.
"Chief Running Bear," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night have sex with squaws."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve on that."
CARSON CITY, Nev., Dec. 23 (UPI) - A legal brothel outside Carson City, Nev. is offering first-time elected officials a 99 percent discount to help them avoid the kind of scandal that could cost Bill Clinton the presidency.
Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunnyranch, says his longtime clientele includes a number of prominent U.S. senators and congressmen "who don't want to risk their political careers by having extra-marital sex with women who blab." The brothel promises strict confidentiality.
Hof said today he persuaded his employees, who are independent contractors, to go along with the offer, which expires when Clinton's Senate impeachment trial ends.
He got the idea while attending a Christmas party thrown by publisher Larry Flynt.
The "Hustler" publisher announced last week that he had uncovered evidence of extramarital affairs by several GOP congressmen, and planned to publish it.
Hof said, "What's this world come to when Larry more...
This article came from a fellow named Keith Wortham.
In anticipation of a PC MAGAZINE review of the well promoted but NON-AVAILABLE Microsoft Windows 4. 0, he went ahead and wrote it in the typical "objective" style the magazine usually uses with Microsoft products. He is planning to submit it to the magazine before they can come out with their own bubbly "review" of the promised product.
As you know, the magazine carries big ads for Microsoft. From what I am told, ZIFF-DAVIS, which owns PC MAGAZINE, ALSO OWNS A SUBSIDIARY THAT HAS THE MARKETING ACCOUNT FOR MICROSOFT! (Does that strike you as a bit of a CONFLICT OF INTEREST, and ample incentive for total "non-objectivity?")
Quoting Keith Wortham:
"The latest issue of PC Magazine contains the exciting and long awaited news that there will be an article on Windows 4. 0 appearing in the next issue. To save those of you who do not subscribe from having to buy the magazine, we thought more...
Barack Obama's campaign has approached Illinois Rep. Rahm Emanuel about possibly serving as White House chief of staff, officials say. Officials say Obama will choose the other eleven disciples at a later date.
School officials in Union City, New Jersey are trying to figure out who watched $250 worth of pay-per-view pornographic movies using a school television box.
School officials have narrowed the suspects down to the few teachers, not getting any from their students.