Paid Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know... This is completely unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this more...

> We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married,
> have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old
> enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated
> that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they
> are out of that stage.
>
> We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets
> his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice
> vacation, when we retire.
>
>The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If
> not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best
> to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
>
> One of my favourite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a
> long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life.
>
> But there was always some obstacle in the more...

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

A man is in a bar and has a couple of drinks. The bartender tells him that he owes $10.
"But, bartender," the man says, "I already paid you! Don't you remember?"
"Well, okay," replies the bartender, "if you say you've already paid, then I guess you have."
The man goes outside, approaches the first person he sees, and tells him that the bartender can't seem to keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. On hearing that, the second man rushes into the bar, orders a beer, and then pulls the same stunt on the bartender.
"Okay," says the bartender, "if you say you've already paid, then I guess you have."
The second man goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The third man rushes into the bar and starts gulping down one drink after the other. A short time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were more...

Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home and look after
the farm and their parents. The one up North became a salesman, soon was sales
manager, and then vice president and president of the company. Before long, his
business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company.One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, “Daddy died, and the
funeral is Friday.”He said, “Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and
send the bill to me. It's the least I can do.”Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received
a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he more...

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer puzzedly asked, "How do you start a flood?"