Paid Jokes / Recent Jokes

Heard this one Sunday night on KGO radio (someone called in with it):
A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed when the
following conversation takes place...
She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"
He: "That's a morbid question!"
She: "No, I really want to know."
He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might
remarry."
She: "Would she live in our house?"
He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really expect me to
move?"
She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"
He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want me to
sell it for a loss?"
She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"
He: "No. Absolutely not. She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift!"

What does your profession say about you? 1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It more...

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a
fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks
the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's
a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that
someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night
he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again,
only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."
"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front
door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked
outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on
hand jobs. Trust me, it's more...

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".
The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.
A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.
"Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."
Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.
Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, more...

Extracted from US news papers:
---------------------------
In Detroit, the lawyer for accused murderer Rondelle Woods, 23, delivered part of his closing
argument to the jury in rap:' Went to a party, sweet 16, decided to stay on the scene.' Woods was
acquitted. But in Las Vegas in December, Eric Clark, 22, pleaded with the judge, in rap for a light
sentence:' I'm sellin' dope, and I as gettin' paid too blind to see how I was gettin' played.' He
got 23 years. - Universal Press Syndicate
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A Tokyo company, Juonsha, recently began offering a mail-order curse kit, featuring a straw doll to
represent the hexee, along with eight accessories, including nails, a curse manual, and a
curse-blocking doll to ward off return curses. The company at first marketed to boys and girls
bullied at school, but discovered the major market is women who hope to put spells on neighbors,
in-laws and more...

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle."Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.His dad asked, more...

A man went to a bar and ordered a drink. After he had lushed he got up to leave. The bartender asked,' What about the bill?'
'I have already paid,' he replied and left.
Soon after, another man came in. He too ordered a drink, drank it and left saying that he had already paid.
The third customer came in. As he was drinking, the bartender told him,' Before you, two men came here, they ordered drinks and left, telling me that they had already paid. What do you think about that?'
'Stop arguing and return my change,' the man said.