Paid Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.
“But I already paid you! Don’t you remember? ” says the customer.
“Okay, ” says the bartender, “if you said you paid, then I suppose you did. ”
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, “Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did. ”
The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass…. ”
The man interrupts, “Don’t more...

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the use the above mentioned to fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200. 00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200. 00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200. 00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:
"You could do worse." "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there." "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start." "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason." "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last." "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault." "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't" "I can go all day without peeing once." "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me." "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath." "I won't sue you when you fire me." "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies." "Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job? "I was a sniper in the Army." more...

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:"You could do worse." "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there." "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start." "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason." "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last." "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault." "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't" "I can go all day without peeing once." "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me." "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath." "I won't sue you when you fire me." "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies." "Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job? "I was a sniper in the Army." more...

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.." "$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." more...

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.