Paid Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6, 000. 00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000. 00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9. 00." But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your more...
An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy. Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large more...
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer puzzedly asked, "How do you start a flood?"
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
“How did this happen? ” the doctor asked.
“Well I was trying to commit suicide, ” the blonde replied.
“Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger? ”
“No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6, 000 for these, ’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4, 000 to get my teeth fixed. ’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise, ’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger. ”
There was a guy who wanted to teach his horse how to listen to him. So he took him to a horse breeder and paid 75$ for him to teach him how to do some stuff. The guy who he paid was a priest and he said priestwords to the horse. So one week after he dropped the horsse off, he came back and wanted to see if his horse had improved. The priest said, "
When you want him to go, you have to say "
praise the lord"
, and when you want him to stop, "
you have to say "
hail mary."
So he got on the horse and tried it out. He yelled praise the lord and the horse took off running. He was very impressed with the horse. He loked behind him to see how far he had gone and when he looked forward again he saw that he was coming up on a cliff. He forgot the word to stop and he started yelling out things like, Hail Sheryl and Hail John, and then he finally remembered and yelled Hail Mary. The horse stopped right on the edge of the cliff. The guy more...