Peanut Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and lo and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become more...

Kellogg Co. on Friday recalled 16 products containing peanut butter due to possible salmonella contamination. The products include Keebler branded Peanut Butter Sandwich Crackers and Keebler Soft Batch Homestyle Peanut Butter Cookies. A spokesperson for Kellogg said if the salmonella outbreak continues, the company may have to layoff up to one hundred elves.

A man and his pet chimp are drinking at the local bar and the drunk chimp goes berserk and runs screaming down the length of the bar, spilling drinks, slapping customers, eating peanuts by the handfull, then leaps onto the billiards table and eats the 8-ball.
Needless to say, the bartender bans the two from the bar until the man can properly train his chimp.
Two weeks later, the man and chimp return and after some drinks, the monkey again goes berserk and runs screaming down the length of the bar, slapping customers all the way.
Then he leaps over to the peanut bowl, delicately grabs a single peanut, dips it in his bung hole, then eats it. He repeats this peanut eating process a couple of times and the bartender, angry, asks the man what kind of "training" his monkey has had.
The man says "Hey, cut the little guy some slack. After that 8-ball incident, at least he measures his food now!"

Albert Garcia Jr. sued the state in 1992 because the Ely State Prison began delivering his legal mail from 9 p. m. to 10 p. m. He claimed the delivery time interfered with his sleeping pattern.
Kenneth Parker sued the state because he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter from the prison canteen at Nevada State Prison in 1989 but received one jar of chunky and one jar of creamy peanut butter. While Parker was later given the peanut butter he requested, he still pursued the case, and it was later dismissed.
Randall Wildeman sued the state in 1991 because a Nevada State Prison officer destroyed the bras and bikini panties he had in his cell. Wildeman claimed he was making women's clothing to be sent as gifts.
Michael Sims sued the state in 1994 on the grounds that a prison guard at the Ely State Prison was calling him names. Sims said the guard called him a "faggot" and a "snitch" and put him in a life-threatening situation.
Donald Ferris sued more...

The Food and Drug Administration is busy testing crackers and peanut butter in the recent salmonella scare. They test them by eating a whole package, then see how long it takes them to whistle out their ass.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!"The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my more...