Pencil Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bad Jokes The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE. EXE, an MS-DOSprogram. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laughtoo hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all likepassengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do whenwe get to shore. How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead? There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza! How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship? There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana! How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead? Throw in a lawn sprinkler! Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs? To diaper their skyscrapers! Why do policemen have toilets? So that yaks will disobey them! What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana? An angry nurse! What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?" Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?" more...

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember more...

Why did the man take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.
"How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman.
"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely.
"Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Okay, write this down:' Cohen dead'."

"That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly.
"That's it."
"I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum."
"Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a minute... okay, got a pencil?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Okay, here goes:' Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale."

Mr. Singh and Mr. Singh, two friends not noted for their depth of intellectual aptitude, were applying for a visa to visit their relatives in the town of London Transport, England. The first Mr. Singh was interviewed by the officer in charge. "Well, Mr. Singh, all we need to know is whether you have the mental resources to survive your trip to London", he said, demonstrating his cultural understanding of the applicant. "Let's see, now - if I poke you with this pencil in your left eye, what will happen? "I'll be blinded in my left eye, sir". "Very good, Mr. Singh. Now, if I poke you with the pencil in your right eye, what will happen?" "I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all." "Well, Mr. Singh, you've passed with flying colors. Enjoy your trip." Mr. Singh then rejoined Mr. Singh in the waiting room, and described his experience. "It was being very easy, Mr. Singh. That very nice more...

Lady Over The Phone: Doctor, What Can I Do? My Little Boy Has Swallowed My Pen?
Doctor: Use A Pencil Till I Come.

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the more...