Personal Jokes / Recent Jokes
The forty-something business executive.. and avid golfer, was browsing the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting ad from an attractive lady living in the same town he did. The ad read as follows... Slim, attractive, buxom blonde, 5'6" 125 lbs. successful in business, happy in life, no children (or desire to have them), enjoys traveling, pampering her man and the finer things in life. Seeks similar qualities in a partner for long term relationship. GOLFERS NEED NOT APPLY.
To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code ListCode Number Explanation ---------- ----------- 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks more...
About this time last year, I was sitting in my dentist's office waiting to have a root canal done, when I noticed a flyer (advertisement) for a "personal dental drill". After some interesting images went through my head, I asked the receptionist if they really sold these things and she said yes.
Well, it was three days before Christmas and I hadn't gotten the secretary in the office (Vivian) a present yet, so I bought one.
When I got home, I realized that there was no literature in the little package - no warranty card, no instruction, no nothing - so I wrote some. Below is the promotional flyer that came with Vivian's.
Thank you for purchasing the "digger" personal dental drill from ACME Corp., makers of do it yourself dental devices since 1939.
We hope you will get years of satisfaction from your new drill. The enclosed instruction manual provides step by step instructions for performing a variety of dental procedures from simple more...
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I`m married with 9 children. I don`t require prescription drugs."
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don`t let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I`m a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I`ve made money and lost money. I`ve been rich and I`ve been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don`t misconstrue my 14 jobs as `job-hopping`. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by more...
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 more...
The president of the Miss Universe Organization said Miss USA Tara Conner will not be dethroned. They released a statement saying "The Organization and Mr. Donald J. Trump will be evaluating her behavioral and personal issues”...
And by “evaluating” Trump means, repeating the bathing suit portion of the contest. And by “personal”, he means; in his personal suite at The Trump Hotel.
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him.
The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said.
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want more...