Prison Jokes / Recent Jokes
Michael Vick admitted to crying in prison because of all his guilt. And maybe the prison rape.
...former Louisiana congressman William Jefferson will spend the next 13 years in prison after being convicted of taking bribes. He was found with $90,000 in his home freezer. Jefferson will be assigned to work in the prison bakery, since he has so much experience with frozen dough.
Just read in this morning's UPI newswires (Aug 18 1993) that Judge Walter Colbath has ordered Jerry Ericksonto quit eating poppyseed bagels or he'll go to prison!
It seems Jerry is on probation for kidnapping and robbery, and one day he showed up for his probation meeting and tested positive for morphine... even though he swore he never touched the stuff! His doctor concluded the drug test may have picked up small traces of morphine from his breakfast that day - a poppyseed bagel!
So Palm Beach County Circuit Judge Walter Colbath on Tuesday allowed Jerry to remain on probation rather than to return to prison because the correction officials could not prove that he'd used illegal drugs, but he ofered him to stop eating poppyseed bagels as a condition of parole.
Said Jerry's attorney, Dean Wilbur, regarding his job as a criminal defense lawyer, "It continues to get weirder and weirder, the longer I do this!"
So, just remember to say NO to bagels!
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn`t so bad...
IN PRISON....... You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........ You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
AT WORK........ You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON....... You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK........ You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON....... A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........ You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........ You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK......... You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON....... You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........ You have to share.
IN PRISON....... They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........ You cannot even speak to your family and more...
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place' the prison' and call my private thing' the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born more...
N PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from more...
A wife wrote a letter to her husband in prison:
"I would like to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When would be the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, aware that the prison guards read all mail, wrote a letter back:
"Dear Wife, Do NOT touch the back garden, whatever you do. That is where I have all the gold hidden."
A week later, the prisoner received another letter from his wife:
"You are not going to believe this. Some men came to the house with shovels and dug up the entire back yard."
The prisoner then wrote his wife again:
"Dear, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"