Producer Jokes / Recent Jokes
The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names theyve gotten for the cast. "First of all," he tells him, "Weve got Gibson in the lead." The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?" "Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, hes a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but hes very up and coming. And besides, weve also got Redford." "You got Robert Redford?" the director asks. "No, we got Jeremy Redford, but hes very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he says enthusiastically, " weve got Streisand and in a singing role." "Barbara Streisand?" he asks. "No, Elizabeth Streisand." The Producer responds. "But shes got a great voice. AND weve got Goulet." "You got Robert Goulet?" the director asks. "Yeah," the more...
VERBS:
to schmooze = befriend scum
to pitch = grovel shamelessly
to brainstorm = feign preparedness
to research = procrastinate indefinitely
to network = spread disinformation
to collaborate = argue incessantly
to freelance = collect unemployment
NOUNS:
agent = frustrated lawyer
lawyer = frustrated producer
producer = frustrated writer
writer = frustrated director
director = frustrated actor
actor = frustrated human
COMPOUND WORDS:
high-concept = low brow
production value = gore
entry-level = pays nothing
highly qualified = knows the producer
network approved = had made them money
FINANCIAL TERMS:
net = something that apparently doesn't exist
gross = Michael Eisner's salary
back-end = you, if you think you'll ever see it
residuals = braces for the kids
deferral = don't hold your breath
points = see "net" or "back-end"
COMMON PHRASES:
You can trust me more...
The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The charade player agrees.
Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.
The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.
The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."
The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and he hands him a check for a million bucks.
Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he more...
A Producer and the Pope die at the same time and show up at the pearly gates together. St Peter says to both of them, "Glad to see you. Come on in and see where your heavenly home is."
So they go inside and walk along the golden path to an area where there are glorious palaces on both sides of the street. St. Peter points to the most beautiful of them and says to the Producer, "Here's your place. Have a nice eternity," and he and the Pope continue to walk along the road.
After a couple of miles the gold road turns to cement, and the palaces turn to 4 bedroom estates, and they keep walking. A mile more, and the road turns into black top, and the houses become bungalows. A mile more, and the road turns to dirt, and the houses to hovels.
St. Peter stops in front of the meanest, dirtiest hovel and says to the Pope, "Here's your heavenly home."
The Pope goes ballistic and says, "What do you mean? You gave that other guy a palace, and more...
A Grip, a Producer and a Director were riding to the location in the grip truck and were in a horrible accident. They all died and went to heaven.
When they knocked on the Pearly Gates, St. Peter appeared and asked them who they were and what their occupations were. Then he said, "Listen fellas, I gotta proposition for you... what with all the people there are dying on earth right now, I'm seriously overloaded here. Tell you what - if each of you gives me ten dollars, I'll send you back, and you can live out your natural lives, and come back peacefully, when I'm not so busy."
As soon as the director heard this, he pulled a tenner out of his wallet and handed it to the saint. Shortly thereafter, he came to his senses in the wreckage of the truck, with a policeman there helping to pull him to safety. After getting him out of the wrecked truck and helping him to the side of the road, the policeman asked him what had happened, and the director told him all about the more...
What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film? Stop playing it cagey!
17. The main accomplishment of Disney Studios was the film "Fantasia" in which they ripped-off Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" by paying his agent $2500, of which Stravinsky received $500.
18. The value of a composer's agent is to convince the producer that using a music-cue library would not be cheaper than hiring a composer.
19. If there really is a Devil who is out to destroy the universe by means of vile conspiracies, and if God decides to deliver this message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger - - Oliver Stone. But John Williams will write the score.
20. You should not confuse your lack of musical talent with your inferiority complex.
21. A movie producer who is suddenly nice to you is not really a nice person. It means he is thinking about hiring another composer, probably John Williams.
22. No matter what happens at a recording session (for example, the players shout "Bravo" and applaud) somebody will still find more...