Province Jokes / Recent Jokes
Now that the summer is upon us, you might be considering a visit to Canada`s youngest province. Here are a few survial tips:
a) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.
b) Always refer to a Newfoundlander as "Newfie", otherwise you will be considered snobbish.
c) Until you are more familiar with Newfoundland and it`s history stick to safe topics when talking to Newfoundladers. A good opening line might be: "I hear unemployment is high in Newfoundland" or "My brother Jack works with a Newfoundlander in Brooks Alberta".
d) Learn how to pronounce Newfoundland. Many Canadians pronounce Newfoundland as "Newf-And-Land", sort of like Understand. This won`t get you many friends. The correct pronunciation is "New-Fun-Lin". If you remember any of these tips, make sure it is more...
Chinese scientists say they can predict earthquakes by observing the tendency of snakes to launch themselves headlong into walls.
Samuel L. Jackson said to be looking forward to the challenge of playing a Chinese scientist in his next film.
"Relax, it's only a tremor."
To track snake behavior, the earthquake bureau in the Guangxi Province monitors snakes through the use of video cameras linked to a broadband internet connection.
One snake known as Cottonmouth69 is said to have over 25,000 MySpace friends as a result of posting videos showing her shedding her skin.
"I'm tired of these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking Guangxi Province!"
Subject: Government Memo
TO: All Employees
FROM: The Premier
SUBJECT: Early Retirement
As a result of the SOCIAL CONTRACT implemented last year, immediate steps are being taken to reduce the number of people on our payroll - a step which we call "right-sizing". It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain younger, better educated, lower paid employees throughout the province.
The program to phase out the older personel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the province. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher more...
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on ''Road to Avonlea''
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the ''Anne of Green Gables'' house, then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war...by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city