Quality Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances. 2. Came dressed in only a towel... again. 3. Ran out of paper clips. 4. I've decided to telecommute. 5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House. 6. It's a long drive home to Texas. 7. One-day sale at Macy's. 8. My brain is melting! 9. I think they found me out... 10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.

May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

We have a big intern public folder at work, where all interns can post items and discussions, I found this is very amusing:
Intern 1: Does anyone know where and how we can access a high quality scanner and maybe even a photo quality 300dpi printer on campus?
Intern 2: Translation: Does anyone know where I can get access to the necessary equipment for making a fake ID?
Intern 3: Don't jump to conclusions. He could just as well want it to scan pornographic images.
Intern 4: Yes! The past few posts have made it perfectly clear! Intern 1 plans to scan pornographic images onto false identification cards! This will allow him and his friends to:
1) Get into bars
2) Improve the quality of their appearance
3) Give bouncers something to look at besides a smug photo
4) Distract bouncers from the scotch tape edges What a brilliant marketing move! Where can I buy stock in this venture, Intern 1?

Subject: You Deserve a Break TodaySan Francisco (UPI)--In what legal observers are already calling a landmark decision in the case of Jackson v. California, the California Supreme Court has recognized for the first time a constitutional right to chicken done right. The high court held that under the the due process clause and the constitutional prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph Jackson, a prisoner at the California Men's Correctional Institue at Camarillo, is entitled to food "of fair average quality," or "comparable to the fare at a modest restaurant or fast-food chain."Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq au Vin. ...

This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings.

They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10, 000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10, 000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

Ingredients
1 cup water
8oz. mixed nuts
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup butter
1 tsp. salt
2 cups dried fruit
4 large eggs
juice of 1 lemon
1 tsp baking powder

Method
Sample the bourbon to check quality.
Take a large bowl.
Re-sample the bourbon to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the bourbon is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn on the mixerer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loos with a drewscriver.
Sample the bourbon to check for tonsiscency.
Next sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares?
Check the bourbon.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. more...

The president of a large managed care company was also chairman of the board of his community's symphony orchestra. Finding he could not go to one of his concerts, he gave the tickets to the company's director of health care containment.

The next morning, the president asked the director how he enjoyed the performances. Instead of the expected usual polite remarks, the director handed him a memorandum which read as follows:

1. The attendance of the orchestra conductor is unnecessary for public performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has received prior authorization from the conductor to play the symphony at a predetermined level of quality. Considerable money could have been saved merely by having the conductor critique the orchestra's performance during a retrospective peer review meeting.

2. For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the whole more...