Quiet Jokes / Recent Jokes

The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream. Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it. Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth. Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I'll get a clear shot at the bear. Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. Looking at the scene, more...

Pete was the playboy of the office. He kept the typewriter set bug-eyed with juicy tales of his conquests. One afternoon a bachelor in the office cornered him and asked, "Pete, how the hell do you do it? You're a married man, but you make Casanova look like a two-bit amateur. Come on, buddy, what's your secret?"
Pete was in a conversational mood. "I wouldn't do this for everybody, Eddie," he said, "but you're a friend, so I'll tell you my secret. Like all great plans, it's really very simple. It's all in the approach!
"Tonight, take the 5: 21 out of Penn Station and get off at Great Neck. You'll find dozens of dolls there waiting for their husbands. Now there are always some husbands who have to work late. So all you have to do is be charming and let nature take its course."
The system was indeed simple, but it also seemed foolproof. Eddie boarded the 5: 21 that night with Pete's instructions fixed firmly in his mind. But he dozed en more...

A man wanted to go hunting, but he couldn’t find anyone to go with him. As a last resort, he asked the town drunk to tag along.
The next morning, the drunk was ready and waiting, with a fifth of whiskey. When they got to the woods the old drunk took a seat under a large oak tree. The other man went off to his stand, and told the drunk to make as little noise as possible.
A few hours had passed, so the man went back to check on the drunk. As he got closer, he could hear terrifying screams coming from the drunk. The man yells at the drunk, “I told you to keep it quiet! ”
The drunk explains, “I know, I know… but when I sat in a bed of fire ants, I didn’t make any noise. Then, when a snake slithered across my feet, I kept quiet. But, I just couldn’t take it any longer when that damn squirrel came back for my second nut! ”

ONCE we had gone to the theatre. A couple with a baby was sitting by our side. The baby started crying loudly and disturbed other spectators. An attendant came and said, If you cannot keep the baby quiet, you will have to leave. We will refund your money.'
The lady put the baby to her breast and he fell quiet. The play was very boring. At the end of the second act, my neighbour said to his wife,' Pinch the baby and get it to howl.'

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriffs office and said, "Youve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.""What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff."I dont care, just do something about those drivers!"So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSINGThree days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go faster."So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAYAnd that really sped them up. So the f armer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the more...

Banta had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
Banta looked at the car clock and answered, "6:15"
The jogger said thanks and left. Banta settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"6:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now Banta could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed more...

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold
Who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.
He looked around for a place to hide,
'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money
I'll take a quiet sneak."
So under the bed the burglar crept;
He crept up close to the wall;
He didn't know it was an old maid's room
Or he wouldn't have had the gall.
He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight
That made his hair turn gray.
At nine o'clock the old maid came in;
"I am so tired," she said;
She thought that all was well that night
So she didn't look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;
The burglar, he had forty fits
As he watched from under the bed.
From under the bed the burglar crept,
He more...