Quit Jokes / Recent Jokes

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Three guys were out drinking one night, when one of them finally passes out.

The other two laugh, and one even peels the label off his beer bottle and sticks it on the guy's forehead.

An hour or so later, he awakens, looks at his watch, and realizes that he has to drive home.

He hadn't even gone a mile, when he sees red lights flashing in his rear view mirror, and he's forced to pull over.

The officer walks up, looks in, and shakes his head. "Sir... have you been drinking?"

The guy lies, saying, "Well, I had one or two."

Disgusted, the cop says "Why, sir, do you have a Budweiser label on your face?"

The guy looks at himself in the mirror and sees the label.

Thinking fast, he looks at the cop and says, "Oh this? Well, you see, I am trying to quit drinking, and my doctor gave me this patch!"

Business Rules to Live ByIf you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.Keep your boss's boss off your boss's more...

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...
If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'...
If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'...
If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'...
If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'...
If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'...
If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you...
If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate...
If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground
the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'...
Never criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing'...
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a 'positive learning experience'...
Never argue, have an 'adult conversation'...
Here are some helpful ways to more...

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.
The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes more...