Quit Jokes / Recent Jokes

I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth.

The other day Bill Clinton was seen running around the White House with a pair of women's panties wrapped around his arm. When an aide finally had the timerity to ask him what that was all about he confided "I'm trying to quit so I went on the patch!"
font size=1>Note: People trying to quit smoking sometimes use "the patch" - a transdermal nicotine patch you wear on your skin.

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here`s just a small humorous sampling:PAUL REVERE`S MOTHER: "I don`t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"MARY,MARY, QUITE CONTRARY`S MOTHER: "I don`t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"MONA LISA`S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that`s the biggest smile you can give us?"HUMPTY DUMPTY`S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I`ve told you once, I`ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"COLUMBUS`S MOTHER: "I don`t care what you`ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"BABE RUTH`S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That`s the third broken window this week!"MICHELANGELO`S MOTHER: "Mike, can`t you paint on more...

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your more...

Just a few thoughts from 1999....by Steven Wright

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...GO FIGURE!

If Fed Ex & UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win & winners never quit, what fool came up w/"Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the more...

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing more...

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom
factory.
After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice that she's going to
quit.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working,
knew
her tasks etc.
He called her into his office, "But why?" He asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all." She said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a rise."
"No." She said
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell
me."
"Okay if you must know..." Said the girl, she took off her
underwear
and point to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't got this before, it's the
broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and
showed
his, and said, "Ha ha... my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!!" The girl cried with a sob, "I more...