Quit Jokes / Recent Jokes
I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
There can't be any life on Mars. They haven't asked the United States for any money.
When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake.
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality.
Federal Express had a terrific obstacle to overcome: They had to convince people that anything with the word "Federal" in it could be speedy.
Dr. Ruth says women should tell our lovers how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes nuts if I tell him how to drive.
After divorce, most men realize that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding more...
Areas of Effectiveness: I am very Effective at sittin' on my ass and directin'a dumbass at gettin'work done that I don't wanna do. I can drink beer with the best beer drinkers And if I have a few to many I can find the best places to sleep it off. I am very good at bitchin' when things don't go my way or I don't feel like doin' nothin'.
Seminars/coarsework:I have taken classes on how to get rich without doin'nothin' but quit cause it took to much work and I got a headache.
Licenses: Yep...I got one...whoopee
Objectives: to get a job with a company that don't make me work to hard and pays me alot of money so I can buy more beer.
Education: Been to the school of hard Knocks and learned not to take any s#it off of anybody.
Awards Received: I got an award from the Navy it is called a bad conduct discharge award.
Interests and Activities: I like drinking beer and chasin' women.
Languages: I speak english perty good.
Work Experience: I can do pert more...
The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. There will always be beer cans more...
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, more...
Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"