Quotes Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff)' Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like' Cripes'.' For Cripe's sake.' who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of' Gosh' of the church of' Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in' Heck'?

Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,' Sexy more...

"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity."

-- Dave Barry

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

5. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

6. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

7. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

8. How is it one careless match can start a more...

Funny Quotes About Marriage "In my house I`m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
-Woody Allen. "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
-Rodney Dangerfield. "Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man`s
genitals through his wallet."
-Robin Williams. "A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people
remembering the same thing."
-Duane Dewel. "When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one
that`s a few steps ahead is the one that`s mad."
-Helen Rowland ! "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America...
The rest cheat in Europe."
-Jackie Mason "Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the
hope of pulling out an eel."
-Leonardo Di Vinci. "I don`t think I`ll get married again. I`ll just find a woman I don`t like
and give her a house."
-Lewis more...

You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. --Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food

Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.

The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. --Robert Heinlein

Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.

An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.

Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.

Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.

There's no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.

Birth, n.: The first and more...

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in more...

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that`s a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He`s going to step down `til he`s back on his more...